DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Guilty! 🤪
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities