@unrulybajan Go hard or stay average
@QwertyJones3 DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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@unrulybajan 
@AtticusFinch79 I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
@DanSpenser A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
@MrJeberling Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
@capnwatsisname [at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
@dom_dot_dom A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
@TeaAndCopy Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
@HuffPostComedy Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
@ChaseMit Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
@Crowetoons “I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes