doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)