Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
U talkin 2 me?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?