DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.