Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.