Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
checking out some reviews of my local library
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides