doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs