doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?