@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

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@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@SortaBad

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

@JB4Realz

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

@OllyiConic

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

@lydiagreer

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today