[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’m too immature for adultery.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.