@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

You Might Also Like

@TheIronSherk

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

@Jennifergr8

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

@OldJakeOld

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@ShortSleeveSuit

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

@

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

@thajawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.