My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.