DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Bread puns are on the rise!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?