Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
When you’re Kinky but poor
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
my astrological sign is a french fry
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.