Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!