Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.