doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance