DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry