DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Mmmm. Shoeshi