doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?