@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

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@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@Smooheed

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

@LetMeStart

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@jordan_stratton

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?