Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
found this cool rock hiking today
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.