Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
You Might Also Like
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?