DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Perfection.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.