Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Goodnight 🐶
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.