Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”