doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
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“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.