doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
me refusing to leave twitter
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’