Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me irl
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
my mom making me talk to relatives
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.