DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
A family that plays together cheats.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH