DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5