Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.