doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan