doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in