doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.