Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.