DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”