DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.


A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]