Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You Might Also Like
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
adam and eve had first world problems
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order