@LackOfShame
@dubstep4dads [i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
You Might Also Like
@dubstep4dads 
@HEF_LGA My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
@deloisivete To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
@bessbell Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
@daemonic3 Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
@CrockettForReal I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
@RickAaron I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
@TragicAllyHere [opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
@trevso_electric “Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
@CherBear162 I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.