Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom


My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake


Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?


Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here


I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery


I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.


[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”