Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.