If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches