DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.


How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal


You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.


why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article


me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing


If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.


Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?


*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*