@notalogin

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@osoplain

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@dumbbeezie

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

@BustaFreak98

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*