doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You Might Also Like
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
dads on road-trips be like
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us