Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.