Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Just had my nails done!
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.