Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.