Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
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I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing