doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
lost dog
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If only.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.