Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
You Might Also Like
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
$3 #books
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My favorite female superhero
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.