doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me 2 months after i graduated
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?