Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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How to make infinite energy.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic