Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.