doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did