Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
spot the difference
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent