Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.