Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey